Gone too soon
It’s been 4 years 3 months since you suddenly left this world. Things have changed a lot around here but before we get down to that I just wanted to let you know we all miss you. I know you taught me to be strong but sorry I’m letting you down…I can never be strong enough to accept that you’re no longer here. In front of my friends and family, I try to block out all the emotions and appear strong, I smile just to stop the tears from falling but deep down it kills me; Every father’s day, every happy/grand moment in my life and every family event is a painful reminder of your absence in my life, a reminder of the loss. I had a million ways to annoy you, a million ways to defy you, lots of opportunities to make you proud but missed out on the most important one; to say I love you while you were still alive.
Visiting and talking to your gravestone, going though messages you sent me, looking at your photographs and once in a while seeing you in my dreams are some of the things I do to convince myself that you’re still here. When people ask what happened to you, I tell them you died of cancer; that sums up all the information they need but in reality it carries a greater weight for me…I watched as you suffered through your sickness and when you left suddenly, I fell apart…when you left, a part of me died with you; I feel pain and anger..I feel a lot of things for all the promises and plans we made, the memories we would have shared….all gone! Sometimes I just can’t believe you’re gone.
After you died…..I didn’t cry; not because I’m selfish but because I went into a state of emotional limbo; everything was stuck inside, I felt numb for a long time. You left so soon; without warning, you caught us all off guard, especially mom. You didn’t get to see your grand kids. The last thing you said to me was “I feel sleepy, let’s talk tomorrow” Off course we didn’t. I called two days later and you didn’t pick up, you didn’t respond to my messages either. Stupid, selfish me, I was too busy to call the following day….I had exams and I didn’t bother to check up on you and when I did, it was too late. If I had known you wouldn’t be there after two days, I would have called the following day. I’m sorry, I hope you weren’t waiting for my call…I’m sorry I should have stayed with you at home for that week and not gone back to campus.
If you would have hung on a little longer I would have come home…I just wanted to finish up my end of semester exams and then come home for Christmas. I’m so angry…at myself and a bit at you for leaving suddenly. You missed out on the family thanksgiving ceremony you had planned; we still held it the way you wanted. You missed my graduation ceremony as well; that was mean, you should have been there. It was fun…..you would have been proud of me; I know you are. I know if it were up to you, you wouldn’t have left so soon…It’s so cruel, it was stolen time.
People tell me time heals….You’ll get over it with time….As if you are a virus I need to get over but I know all this is not true because I’ll always remember and grieve you…it wasn’t the right time for you to go..We were robbed of that. I know I’m rambling and I can’t see clearly through the tears. A lot has changed in our family…..we are not okay and we are all struggling to come to terms with the fact that you are not coming back…but we find comfort in knowing that you’re with us every step of the way.
I’m sorry I don’t write to you more often dad, I’m sorry I wasn’t there, I’m sorry for all the things I should have told you but didn’t…I’ll get up one day and carry on and make you proud. I miss you Dad!
Your little girl,