“All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you are” Robin Williams
It’s been a while since I shared anything; this year hasn’t been kind to me. I have dealt with a lot of pain, confusion and sadness but I keep acting fine and not knowing where my life is headed. When people ask me how I am, I lie that I’m okay; mostly because they are not asking because they want to know. They are only saying what they have been conditioned to do. It’s their way of starting a conversation. They don’t want to hear details of how I cry myself to sleep sometimes or how at times breathing feels like a chore and I’m constantly trying to lower my heart rate from the overwhelming stress I feel or how it takes me hours to get out of bed every morning. So I just keep smiling; it’s easier than explaining what’s wrong.
When you look at me you can’t tell that I’m not okay because I act the way I’m expected to; report to work, engage in small talk and deceive my colleagues with a cheery façade. The whole day I struggle to survive, overworked but trying to show that I’m okay. I look forward to going home but once I get there, the numbness sets in. I wish I could sleep it off but I have trouble turning off my brain at night and even if I do, I barely get 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep and the rest of the night I keep tossing and turning and the following morning I feel like death.
When someone asks me out I lie that I’m busy or have other engagements. I use these excuses to isolate myself not because I like being alone but because they expect me to smile, laugh and pretend to be happy and sometimes I don’t have the energy to do that, so it’s easier to stay at home. I never let anyone know what’s troubling me because there is nothing they can do anyway. Almost everyone is trying to find their way in this craziness of life and I don’t want to come across as overly dramatic or make a fuss out of my problems.
I put on a mask for the world to see; trying to be brave to hide the hurt. I act like my life is pure bliss but the reality is, my life is swallowed by unending fears. I talk and grin like I wasn’t crying the previous night. I chat with friends and pretend to be strong. Sometimes I snap and people think it’s normal but in reality, my anger is part of this pain. I wish I knew how to reach my happiness instead of wallowing in my sorrow.
The worst pain is when you have to smile to stop tears from falling. Some days I just want to give up because I don’t know when it’ll get better or how. Damn! Life can be so hard sometimes. I wish I could fast forward until everything makes sense. I’m tired of pretending to be happy when all I want to do is breakdown and cry. Tired of not being able to let go of all the pain and emotions consuming me. I just need a break!
I’m trying to convince everyone including myself that I’m okay. This might make me stronger or be my demise but until then, I’ll keep on putting a brave face and hoping I’ll be okay someday.