You should still be here
It’s been 5 years now since you left us. Can you believe it? I have no idea what you are doing, if you can hear me or whether you found peace on the other side. There are moments that I can’t believe that you’re gone. It feels like you are going to walk through the door again. It’s hard to think about how much of my life, you have missed out on already.
So many things have changed; I am no longer the little girl I used to be. My optimist is a little less shiny. My last year in campus and the first 2 years after my graduation were a bit confusing as I was trying to adjust living without you. I struggled a lot but grew stronger as time went by.
I often find myself wondering how you felt about dying when the time came. What were you thinking about before your last breath? It gets harder to deal with your death every milestone; all I think about is how life would be if you hadn’t died; how you would have reacted to everything happening in my life.
Last Sunday was my birthday but it was trash. I didn’t really celebrate, as I spent most of the time sleeping. It’s funny since all along I looked forward to the day, but when the day came, I couldn’t get myself to leave the house leave alone do anything fun. Dad, I have been experiencing depressive episodes and panic attacks lately. Sometimes I randomly start crying for no reason and at times I feel like I’m losing my mind. I know you’ve probably watched me struggle a couple of times this year. I’m sorry. I’m trying really hard to be strong and I have sought help; I’m slowly getting back on my feet or so I hope.
I wish you were here so that I can share with you every moment of my life; like my first interview, my first job, my first boyfriend and some of the horrible dates I have been on. Oh! Before I forget, sometime last year I met this guy and he turned out to be a great friend. We spent a good amount of time together talking about anything and everything; creating fun memories and doing all sorts of silly things. He had such a lasting impact on me in our short time together. He was always so encouraging and kind but just like you, he left this world too soon. I know you would have liked him. I don’t know if your paths have already crossed (and this may sound silly) but in case that happens, now you have something common to talk about; me off course ?
I don’t know if there is an afterlife but if you can hear me, just know that I miss you. We all miss you.
Lastly, I never said thank you as much as I should have for everything you did for me. Thank you for making my childhood unforgettable. Mostly, thank you for being my father.
Your baby girl.