If I live to see another day
I ask myself what the meaning of life is, what has my life meant so far. People often say, ‘if you were to die today…’ do we stop to think about our death? It’s amazing how fast fleeting life is and how quick and easy it loses meaning. With the current corona pandemic, the phrase ‘if you were to die today’ has a different ring to it. Most of us now resonate better with it. Have you at least thought about the possibility of what if you do not make it? I have. For the first time, man is put on the same pedestal and judged equally by a none discriminating virus. The rich, powerful, poor and the destitute are all in panic. We now know none of us is entitled to live; any right-thinking person knows there is a fair chance they may make the list unless of course you and God are “personal” friends.
If I died today, if I am being honest there is a high chance I won’t go to heaven. I am not saying I am an evil human being plotting the damnation of the human race, but I am pretty much not heaven ready exactly. There are a few things I need to tidy up so I can be in good books with the big guy up in the sky…assuming that that’s where He resides. I need to quit smoking, but before that, I need to get over my anxiety because I smoke to cope with the anxiety of all the laws of God and Man alike that I bend, twist and break.
I need to get over the fear of not listening to the voice inside my head; the one people say is wrong and makes all the wrong choices. So, what if I am wrong? There are a lot of things I have gotten wrong this far and it’s because of all the mistakes I have made. I have often felt like my opinion did not matter. I have found myself afraid to speak my mind, I restrained my tongue and shelved my thoughts and as a result, a lot of them went unwritten and those that were captured in words, in ink and paper, I read to myself. what do I have worth saying? It’s ridiculous I asked myself when I have lived my whole feeling unheard and misunderstood.
In readiness, for death, I need to stop being overprotective of myself. Over-protectiveness is a sign of all the fear and anxiety I have lived my whole life with. If you are about to die what could be scarier than that? There is no point in living your life in fear if you are going to lose it anyway, good or bad. I have fears in plenty and for each fear, I have a defense mechanism but worry works for most of them. I am overprotective of my heart because I am afraid of heartache, overprotective of my feelings to risk disappointment and criticism. Overprotective of my ears because I care what people say and think.
Since with death, looms impending judgment, if I were not to die today, I would like to spend the rest of my life living without judging myself, not with the standards of man and the commandments of a supreme being. I want to rediscover the way I have known life; evaluate what I have seen, reconsider what I have been told and then do something completely different. I have done enough judging of my own, of others and I have also felt being judged.
After spending a huge chunk of my life judging myself, before I die, I would like to acquit myself of all my shortcomings. I forgive myself. if I deserve a harsh judgment, I could at least not inflict the pain on myself. Man is not his actions; beneath the actions of man lies intent. I have done enough to bar the doors of all the heavens available, Buddha’s, Allah’s or Jesus’.
I want to feel like every other animal roaming this vast planet. Not more intelligent or more civilized than a cow grazing the field or the butterfly on a flower’s petal or the flies over human waste. Do you ever wonder if cows’ sin? If they have to spend their whole life searching for the purpose that might end with their bodies dangling somewhere in a slaughterhouse? Do they follow the cow’s ten commandments and do they worry about the impending judgment and damnation in eternal fire? I want to spend the remaining time of my life like any other animal on earth, with new rewritten beliefs, that the purpose of life is living. There is no higher mysterious purpose than finding better ways to live. Life is for the living.
I ask myself whether there is anything I should change since now there is a fair chance that this could be the end. Nothing comes to mind, should I start repenting, do I make a bucket list of the many things I should have done, cross out the ones that would require money because there is no time or place to make that money and then what? I am left with brushing my teeth in the morning, smoking a cigarette at the rooftop, worrying and thinking about my dreams at the same time, and days I spend falling in love because we get consumed in souls that feel like home.